He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
