The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
