I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
