my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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