I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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