I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
