I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
