tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
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