Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
