this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
