I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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