Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
