Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
