i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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