What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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