you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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