bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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