I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
