I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
