Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
