But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
