I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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