I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
