Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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