I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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