don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
