i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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