this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
