My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
