i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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