Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
