If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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