I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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