You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
