I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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