I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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