She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Randomize
