ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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