Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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