in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
They have beer where we have blood.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
