My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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