If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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