were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
