I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
