well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize