In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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