What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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