shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
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