Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
