I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
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