We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
