im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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