Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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