I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
