he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
