fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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