I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
