what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
