He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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