he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
