Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
she smelled like a LAN party
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have fence marks all over my body
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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