haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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